A fortune of Thunderous Applause

I held a book up to a gorilla at the zoo,

turned the pages when he knocked.

I was his book-slave on the otherside of the glass.

Parentheses The Family Dynamics of Punctuation

This is part of how I explained grammatical structure to my students

(Since it’s college, no one would admit publicly to lacking any grammatical knowledge, but privately their papers spill otherwise. They all looked bored during my presentation, which had less to do with me and more to do with the fact that they thought this would make them look smart.)

• Semi-colon is an identical twin to Period.
• Comma is the middle child (who, after working out her psychological issues due to birthing order, became a magnificent Traffic Cop).
• Colon is the youngest, loudest, child; he is notorious for announcing secrets and unkind side comments with great pomp and circumstance (Colon eventually found his niche as a Boxing Announcer.).
• Dash and Parenthesis are faternal twins, or at least were told so until Parenthesis found the document proving his adoption. This answered many questions.

The ghost of Ellipses, the family pet rat, shows up … . everywhere.

nightwander:

seeminglydistant:

Map of the moon

to: *******@****.com
From: Colgate-Palmolive Consumer Affairs
Subject: Response to Your Email

Dear Mrs. Welsh:

Thank you for your recent inquiry about Speed Stick Fresh Scent Deodorant.  We appreciate your interest in our company and are pleased to have the opportunity to respond.

We are sorry to tell you that the product you are interested in is not currently being manufactured. In response to decreased consumer demand, we sometimes have to stop making a product. Unfortunately, we do not have any remaining stock to offer you directly. Even though we cannot help you at this time, it is important for us to hear from consumers, such as you, so that we are aware of your continued interest. We will be sure to share your comments with our Business Development Group.

We hope you will continue to rely on our company for quality products and services and that you will contact us again if you need additional information or have any further questions.

Sincerely,

Allison Hunt
Consumer Affairs Representative
Consumer Affairs

AFARH1NA/USMMS1NA

020611008A

______________________________________________________________________________________

To: Colgate-Palmolive Consumer Affairs

From: *******@****.com

Subject: Response to Your EmailAllison,

Thank you for the response. This saddens me greatly, which I know sounds ridiculous, so let’s just say it saddens me as greatly as it does when a perfume company stops making the scent you really, really like. 

Please tell your business group that maybe if they marketed this product as a “gender neutral” alternative there’d be an increased consumer demand (because, like I said in my first email, most “women’s” deodorant has the antipersperant element which many people don’t want, either b/c it makes them sweat more, like me, or because they are worried about possible negative health effects). 

I can see how this scent wouldn’t be of interest to someone who likes the smell of Old Spice or Addidas, but it might appeal, with the right marketing, to some men who like the smell and alternative-ish idea of products like Axe. It’s not such a stretch: Metrosexual has been in our cultural lexicon for a while now, which is proof that there is a market for a less “manly” smell.

Right now I am using your musk scent. 

After rereading this, I realize this sounds like one of those Fake Letters people write for a comdey routine, but it’s not (F.Y.I).

Thanks,
Kate Welsh
Louisville, KY

P.S. if you ever do start making it again, will you tell me? 

The following is in the text book I teach for English 101 and 102

 **

Emails between Michael Brown, FEMA director, Sharon Worthy, Cindy Taylor, and Marty Bahamonde. Notice the DATES; remember AUG. 29 was the day Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.

**

Michael Brown (The Director of FEMA) to Sharon Worthy

Date: August 26

Subject: Dress Code

Tie or not for tonight? Button-down blue shirt?

**

Cindy Taylor to The Director of FEMA

Date: August 29

Subject: I know it’s early, but….

My eyes must be decieveing me. You look fabulous - and I’m not talking the makeup!

**

The Director of FEMA to Taylor

Date: August 29

Subject: re: I know it’s early, but….

I got it at Nordstroms. Email Mcbride and make sure she knows! Ar eyou proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home?

**

The Director of FEMA to Taylor and Marty Bahamonde

Date: August 29

Subject: re: New Orleans Update

If you look at me in my lovely FEMA attire you’ll really want to vomit. I am a fashion god.

**

Bahamonde to The Director of FEMA

Date: August 31

Subject: New Oreleans

Sir, I know that the situaion is past critical. Here are some things yo umight not know. Hotels are kicking people out, thousands gathering in the streets with no food or water. Hundreds still being rescued from homes The dying patients at the DMAT tent medevacked. Estimates are many will die within hours. Plans developing for dome evacuation but hotel situation adding to the problem. We are out of food and running out of water at the dome, plans in works to address the critical need. Phone connectivity impossible. More later.

**

This is the response The Director of FEMA , Michael Brown, gave to Bahamonde’s email:

Date: Aug 31

Subject: Re: New Orleans

Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?

**

Worthy to The Director of FEMA , Michael Brown

Date: Sept 4

Subject: Your shirt

Please roll up the sleeves of your shirt…all shirts. Even the President roled his sleeves to just below the elbow

In this crisis and on TV you just need to look more hard-working…ROLL UP THE SLEEVES!

******

 In conclusion, it doesn’t matter if you are actually working on a solution to a major disaster (Obama), it only matters that you look like you are.